On Star Wars: The Revenge of the Sith; From Mad Magazine

Star Bores
Epic Load III
Retread of the Sh*t

Oldie-Von Moldie (obi-wan kenobi): we have to stop Count Cuckoo (Count Dookoo) and General Greasy (Grievous) they've kidnapped Chancellor Palpitation (Palpatine). Barf More (R-4) lock in the shields we're flying directly into enemy fire.

Barf More: Boop-deep (translation: but Oldie -Von Moldie the ship could sustain a lot of damage.

Oldie-Von Moldie: that's ok the ship's a rental and i sprung for the hit by laser cannons insurance waiver.

NEXT SCENE

Mannequin (Anikan): Bar Stool (R-2), even though i could just land i'm going to do a 360 degree spin, bank left, swoop right, then a 720 degree turn, fly between those two ships, zig-zag then zig again, swoop up and then fly to the docking bay.

Bar Stool: Bweeep-Boop (translation: why do you make things needlessly complicated? It only increases the chance of crashing)

Mannequin: I can't help it, it's my training!

Bar Stool: Beep-Bloop (translation: your Jet-Eye (Jedi) training?)

Mannequin: Job training, i used to work as a programmer for microsoft!

NEXT SCENE

Yodel (Yoda): in this clone war your help we will need Chewing Tobacco (Chewbacca).

Chewing Tobacco: Ggrrrrrrawgh! (translation: Master Yodel, i would be honored to serve as a brave soldier!)

Yodel: Actually more of a new fur coat I was thinking. Cold it is aboard these battleships. Purple have my green nipples turned!

NEXT SCENE

General Greasy: Ha! it will take an army to catch me!

General Greasy's body guard: but general Greasy there is an army of clones chasing us!

General Greasy: Err, what i meant to say was that it will take MORE than an army to catch me!

Body Guard: and two Jet-Eyes are boarding the ship!

General Greasy: Aww, for pete's sake! Could the news get any worse?

Body Guard: Yes our sensors indicate that the opening battle is the best scene in the movie and we still have two hours to go!

General Greasy: and to think my horoscope actually said the position of the planets makes today an excellent day for beginning new relationships, prudent investments and taking over the universe. Lying @$#%ing horoscope!!

NEXT SCENE

Chancellor Palpitation: ha ha ha! soon my evil plan will come together by having you kidnap me i have set a trap for the jet-eye! because while they think that YOU are the Sick (sith) Lord it is actually me! so when they rescue me and kill you they should really kill me AND you. and this war which i secretly helped cause, by having you help me start it, without anyone knowing has given me in my roll as chancellor (which is who i am when i am not the Sick Lord) absolute power over the entire republic! soon my roll as Sick Lord will turn young Mannequin into an evil Sick apprentice named Dark Traitor and with him at my side i will rule the galaxy both as Emperor and as the Sick Lord.

Count Cuckoo: Hang on... you lost me at kidnapped. so who exactly is the most evil guy in the universe?

Chancellor Palpatation: actually it's George Lucas, he's the idiot who came up with this rediculously convoluted story-line.

NEXT SCENE

Chancellor Palpatation: Mannequin! use your anger to destroy Count Cuckoo!

Mannequin: I can't get that angry at him!

Palpatation: think of how he chopped off your arm the last time you met!

Mannequin: hmm... still not angry enough

Palpatation: he told me that you look terrible in black, that your hair is soooooo out of style and you're not nearly as pretty as Senator Ama-dilly (Amadala)!

Mannequin: I'm still not quite angry enough...

Palpatation: he told me that after this movie your career will follow the same path as Mark Hamill's!

Mannequin: What??? I'll kill him!!!

NEXT SCENE

Ama-dilly: Mannequin, now that you're back i have some good news and some bad news.

Mannequin: What's the good news?

Ama-dilly: i'm 7 months pregnant!

Mannequin: that's great! what's the bad news?

Ama-dilly: you've been away for 8 months!

NEXT SCENE

Mannequin: Argh! i had a nightmare in which you died in child birth!

Ama-dilly: don't worry, nightmares never come true.

Mannequin: i hope you're right because i had another one in which i married and expressionless human china doll with a personality of a snow cone!

Ama-dilly: ok... so most nightmares don't come true.

NEXT SCENE

Palpatation: Mannequin i'm appointing you my personal representative to the Jet-Eye council. you will have the privileges of a Jet-Eye master.

Mannequin: awesome i get a Jet-eye master's parking spot! access to the jet-eye master's dining room! a jet-eye master's corner office with a view of all those cool ships whizzing by! and 10% off at the Jet-eye company store! what a thrill! what an honor! what a-

NEXT SCENE

Mace Window: Mannequin, you're on the jet-eye council, you're responsible for reporting on all the chancellor's activities, but the one thing you're NOT granted is the rank of Master.

Mannequin: not a master! but i still get 10% off at the company store right?

NEXT SCENE

Oldie-Von Moldie: Mannequin did not take to his assignment of spying on the chancellor with much enthusiasm.

Yodel: Much anger there is in him! still mad about not recieving the rank of jet-eye master he is.

Mace Window: how do you know?

Yodel: an "i was appointed to the jet-eye council and all i got was this lousy t-shirt" t-shirt i saw him wearing!

NEXT SCENE

Yodel: and now to the Woolie (wookie) planet i go so with the Woolie army the droids i shall fight!

Oldie-von Moldie: Huh?

Yodel: the droids i shall fight with my woolies by my side there will be on the woolie planet!

Oldie-von Moldie: i still don't follow.

Yodel: to war i go with the assistance of the woolies who fight against the droids we shall!

Oldie-von Moldie: after all these years you'd think i could understand you but it still sounds all... you know... backwords.

Yodel: Backwords! try to understand this you should! ME BITE!!

NEXT SCENE

Palpatation: the dark side of the force is a pathway to things that some consider to be un-natural.

Mannequin: like saving people from dying?

Palpatation: no, like wrining ever last penny out of a franchise with lame licensing deals. speaking of which... want to buy a Darth Tater Mister Potatoe Head?

NEXT SCENE

Oldie-von Moldie: no fair! how'd you get four light sabers??

General Greasy: two for one sale at Tatooine Costco! plus i had a coupon.

Oldie-von Moldie: just my luck of all the robots in the universe to fight to the death and i get the one that's a bargain shopper!

NEXT SCENE

Oldie-von Moldie: I'm sorry to inform you that Mannequin is now a sick lord, i must kill him.

Ama-dilly: *sniff* no! not Mannequin! *sob*

Oldie-von Moldie: i'm genuinely surprised by your reaction!

Ama-dilly: that I *sniff* love my husband *sob* no matter what??

Oldie-von Moldie: no, that you can express actual emotion i've never seen you pull off anything other than "blank stare" and "long winded monotone speech".

NEXT SCENE

Palpatation: i've heard of a floor fight in the senate but this is rediculous Yodel!

Yodel: kill you i cannot! but you kill me you cannot!

Palpatation: because we're equally matched opponents who merely exist on opposite sides of the same almighty force?

Yodel: no, because already released have the sequels to this movie been! and in them we both appear, problem this is with prequels. no suspense can there be when already we know which creatures live!

NEXT SCENE

Mannequin: Heeeeelp!!! my skin is on fire i feel like Joan Rivers's 8,000th chemical peel!!

Oldie-von Moldie: serves you right turning to evil! you were the chosen one!!

Mannequin: if i'm the chosen one then why won't you save me?

Oldie-von Moldie: because apparently you have been chosen to be burnt to a crisp.

NEXT SCENE

Palpatation: Lord Traitor, i have some good news and some bad news. you are now half man/half machine encased forever in a suit of armor forced to use a respirator to breath and at the service of the greates force of pure evil the universe has ever known!!

Dark Traitor: well i can handle that as long as my wife's safe. what's the good news?

Palpatation: umm... that is the good news.

NEXT SCENE

Palpatation: with you by my side we are ready to rule but there is one who could stop us! one who is much like you...

Dark Traitor: you mean the younger Skystalker?

Palpatation: no, i mean the younger Batman.

Batman: cape, leather suit, mask, you stole my act kid! but this man in black has been around a long time and he's gonna kick your butt!!

Palpatation: ruling the galaxy will be easy but the summer box office more difficult. i sense the force is strong with this one.