I wish things were the way they used to be. I'm not sure exactly what that was like, but I know it wasn't like this. I guess I miss mee. The old me. I don't really feel like I've changed, but I know I have. I've pulled into myself, hiddent myself - my true self - from the world.
My true self has gotten hurt too many times. I try not to show it when it happens. I try to laught it off. But you can't just laugh it off when some one you trusted completely ridicules something that is important to you, that you believe in. Now I feel like and actress when I'm around my friends - except Carritt, Gray Bean, Tal or Beinohtar. I'm always pretending to be happy or sad, or that I agree with this or that, or that blah blah blah was horrible, mostly listening, nodding my head... pretending.
But mostly I don't even know who my true self is. I just want to be me though, and have everyone except it.
posted by Nature's Daughter @ 8:09:00 PM
11 comments
11 Comments:
shut up, loser. hey you don't know me (well maybe you do) but I totally agree with you. it happened at my going away party. I was acting, along, pretending that everything was okay when it wasn't (it was actually chaotic and I just hated it) and for the first time in my life, I broke down. I pulled my BFF into a corner and cried. and you know waht? it helped. just let it out, and somebody out there is gonna know exactly what you're going through because wherever you go, there are gonna be people who care about you, your friends and family. Sometimes, you feel like nothings going right and you just wanna rewind yourself and hit the pause button at the exact place where it all started, but its okay to cry and break down. God, after my going away party, I learned that much.
Roch, I'm struggling with the exact same feelings. I really need to talk to you. I love my zoo friends but I can't be my utter self around them (this is, of course, excluding carrits and gray been). I only feel at home around you guys. But I think the more we talk about these things, the easier it becomes. I REALLY NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
[coagulatedknees]
geez i feel loved, if you guys really don't feel like telling me things just tell me and i'll bug off.
roch, i totally understand what you're going thru. i finally broke down in front of my family. mom and i think i might have something which i'm sorry i won't put on here, but friday i just literally could not stop crying and i'm going to see a shrink because of it. so just remember that yes i definately understand what putting on a face for other people is like and i'm always here for you.
okay personal story so do not tell anybody until i understand myself whats going on with me.
Isn't it weird that everyone is going through similar things at the same time? I agree, just let it out if you feel horrible. I did that and it made it worse, but other times it helps. And i know the not being yourself act. I'm like that around almost everyone. I can't trust. it hurts too much. I can't tell anyone anything. it will only harm me. And it's horrible. And I have no idea what to do about it.
yes, well, other than all that... life is great!
did you get that thing i sent you? the elvish mirror thing?
you know these are things I really think about a lot. Cause I know I'm not me a lot of the time. Sometimes I feel like I'm a floating soul, and I can go into all the different faces I use, but sometimes you don't want to 'use' a face. you just want to have your own face. but then, whenever i feel like i'm not being myself, i try to be myself, then i find out i don't even know what 'myself' is. I mean, even when i'm at my most comfortable, i'm probably not myself. I've been shaped since birth by the influences surrounding me, and i have no control over that. so then i start to panic, because really, there is no 'myself' and this is getting really confusing and long so i'll just stop now. oh well, if you know what i'm talking about, say 'i!'
sometimes you make it, sometimes you fake it. sometimes i wake up and put my happy face on, just so people will know i'm ok. even if i'm not. and i think i may write about this. omg, roch, you always write about stuff that's an unresolved issue with me. i have lots of those. wow.
and y.d.- i love you. that's about all i can say at this point. i'm going to email you now.
I guess we're all going through this crazy awful phase. do you suppose it will ever end? or will it be like this forever?
it will end. nothing can last forever.
but it could get worse.
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