..........

See you at the FAIR!!

How I Feel

I feel like a pair of pants that only get worn when all the other pants are dirty. That is how I feel around three certain people.

jeune fille de chevals

The Quote Very Much Needed By Rochwen Today...

Ultimately 'takers' lose and 'givers' win

"Welcome to My Life" Simple Plan, Dedicated to Greenie and the Twins

do you ever feel like breaking down?

do you ever feel out of plalce?

like somehow you just don't belong

and no one understands you

do you ever wanna run away?

do you lock yourself in your room?

with the radio on turned up so loud

and no one hears you screaming

no you don't know what it's like

when nothing feels alright

you don't know what it's like

to be like me...

to be hurt, to feel lost

to be left out in the dark

to be kicked when you're down

to feel like you've been pushed around

to be one the edge of breaking down

and no one's there to save you

no you don't know what it's like

welcome to my life

do you wanna be somebody else?

are you sick of feeling so left out?

are you desperate to find something more?

before your life is over?

are you stuck inside a world you hate?

are you sick of everyone around?

with the big fake smiles and stupid lies

while deep inside your bleeding

no you don't know what it's like

when nothing feels alright

you don't know what it's like

to be like me...

to be hurt, to feel lost

to be left out int the dark

to be kicked when you're down

to feel like you've been pushed around

to be on the edge of breaking down

and no one's there to save you

no you don't know what it's like

welcome to my life

no on ever lied straight to your face

no one ever stabbed you in the back

you might think i'm happy

but i'm not ganna be ok

everybody always gave you what you wanted

you never had to work

it was always there

you don't know what it's like...

what it's like

to be hurt, to feel lost

to be left out in the dark

to be kicked when you're down

to feel like you've been pushed around

to be on the edge of breaking down

and no one's there to save you

no you don't know what it's like

to be hurt to feel lost to be left out in the dark

to be kicked when you're down

to feel like you've been pushed around

to be on the edge of breaking down

and no one's there to save you

no you don't know what it's like

welcome to my life

welcome to my life

welcome to my life

i just want to thank you guys, for making me realize how important

it is for me to stay on The High Road, and not stray over the edge.

no matter how hard it gets.

just try and take it as a compliment

and i apoligise to all of you who have had to listen you me bitch for the last week

and thank you peggy for being the one who does understand me

for the t.b.f.r.d.t.s.t.b.m.g.l.g.l.g.

my bad day... yesterday...

this is why i wrote that whole little dedication to Avalon. i was really mad at some select people who really pissed me off. Peggy was having this party at her barn for the Humane Society, so we had to have everything PERFECT for them. of course it just HAD to pour down rain all morning into the afternoon. so we washed horses in the pouring rain. it was actually kind of fun. the pastures got flooded so we went out in our bare feet and splashed and slid! it was AWESOME!!!!!!!

we had the barns sparkling clean by 4 o'clock so we ate dinner. at 5pm we were supposed to do the final cleanup, pick out stalls, fill water buckets and give the horses dinner. so i went into the little barn and started picking out stalls and a certain some one is puting her MASCARA on. i figured when she was done she would help me... but she didn't. instead she went over to the other barn and rounded up 2 other people and they carried 3 EMPTY pizza boxes up the hill.

when they came down they went up and sat in the hay loft!! so i picked out stall after stall and filled bucket after bucket while they talked and laughed... i got angrier and angrier. by the time i had finished four stalls i was fuming and shaking. unfortunately i'm like my dad and don't yell at people i just do things. so i didn't yell at them. i mean... if you saw that there was work to do and the person that was doing it could use some help wouldn't you just help them??? i would... so i picked out all seven stalls and filled all the water buckets. then i went around and fed all ten horses. then i went and swept the little barn.

all this took me a grand total of thirty minutes. if they had helped it probably would have taken five-ten minutes.

of course then they came down and helped me sweep the big barn... just in time for Peggy to come down and say "oh you guys, everything looks so good. you did such a wonderful job"

i was so pissed. i think if any of them had spoken to me i would have totally blown but fortunately for them they didn't say anything to me. i couldn't stay there because i was sooooo pissed off. i was shaking and breathing hard. so i went over to the little barn where there were NO people. i went into Avalon's stall and climbed onto his back. i just lay there and told him about it all and how i would love you smack them all but that i just don't do that sort of thing.

by then people from the Humane Society were coming down to look at the horses so i slid off his back. i was still pretty mad so i got some brushes and started brushing him, even though we had given him a bath and he was spotless. by the time i actually had to have contact with and of "them" it had been and hour and a half and thanks to Avalon i had cooled off enough to be civil to people.

you don't even want to hear about today.....

"These Words" Natasha Bedingfield, Dedicated to Avalon

threw some chords together

the combination D-E-F

is who i am, is what i do

no one's gonna lay it down for you

try to focus my attention

but i feel so A-D-D

i need some help, some inspiration

(but it's not coming easily)

whoa-oh

trying to find the magic

trying to write a classic

don't you know, don't you know, don't you know?

waste-bin full of paper

clever rhymes, see you later

these words are my own

from my heart flow

i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you

there's no other way

to better say

i love you, i love you...

read some Byron, Shelly and Keats

recited it over a hip-hop beat

i'm having trouble saying what i mean

with dead poets and drum machines

i know i had some studio time booked

but i couldn't find a killer hook

now you've gone and raised the bar right up

nothing i write is ever good enough

these words are my own

from my heart flow

i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you

there's no other way

to better say

i love you, i love you...

i'm getting off my stage

the curtains pull away

no hyperbole to hide behind

my naked soul exposes

whoa... oh... oh... oh, whoa... oh...

trying to find the magic

trying to write a classic

waste-bin full of paper

clever rhymes, see you later

these words are my own

from my heart flow

i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you

there's no other way

to better say

i love you...

i love you is that okay?

i love you Avalon...

i want to thank you...

for all you do for me...

for listening to me bitch...

when i'm really pissed...

and making me calm...

by just being there

"Sarah Yellin'" Three Doors Down

she says i got something to say

she knows what she says will change everything

she's laid through so many sleepless nights

she's cryin', she's cryin', she's cryin'

mother, that man took my soul away

father, how could you ever treat me this way?

brother, i won't ever let him do this again

this time it's over. i'm gonna make it end

now it's over

the old man is dead

lyin' on the ground

bullet in his head

she stood at the foot of the guilty bed last night

she held what could set her free for teh rest of her life

she did all that she said that she planned to do

she's through, she's through, she's through

mother, that man took my soul away

father, how could you ever treat me this way?

brother, i won't ever let him do this again

and the old man is dead

lyin' on the ground

bullet in his head

there's a bullet in your head...

i kept falling down look who's falling now

i kept crying now look who's crying now

i kept falling down look who's falling now

now it's over

this is what she said

he's lyin' on the ground

bullet in his head

i thought this was an appropriate day to put this on a blog.

i feel like puting a bullet in almost everyone's head.

today was NOT a good day.

except for the vaulting, the vaulting was awsome.

but i got wet, and hot and humid and had a run-in with a certain person about whether there was a devil...

"Beg To Differ" Patty Larkin

New York is far away from here

New York is far away from here

And you can see it in the rain

And you can see it in the cheap suits and the ties

It's just a fallen away frontier

It's just a fallen away frontier

And they are fencing it with fast food chains

And buildings that go up before your eyes

You say everybody's marching to the same beat

Marching to the same beat of the drum

Everybody's thinking of the same thing

But I will I will I will

Beg to differ with you

New York is far away from here

New York is far away from here

And you can see it in the coffee shops

And catch it from the corner of your eye

It's just a layer of thin veneer

It's just a layer of thin veneer

And it stretches like a parking lot

That's swept up in a string of satellites

You say everybody's marching to the same beat

Marching to the same beat of the drum

Everybody's thinking of the same thing

But I will I will I will

Beg to differ with you

New York is far away from here

New York is far away from here

And you can see it in the setting sun

See is just before you say goodbye

It's just a landscape of souvenirs

It's just a landscape of souvenirs

And I'm embarrassed t obe human

I'm embarrassed that I want what I despise

You say everybody's marching to the same beat

Marching to the same beat of the drums

Everybody's thinking of the same thing

But I will I will I will

Beg to differ with you

... My Heart!! "There Goes Another One, There goes..."

i don't think my heart can take much more of this. neither can Peggy's. if one more exciting/frightening thing happens to me again i will have a heart attack.

this is what happened:

i was at the barn, cleaning stalls. Bill and Avalon were out in the field. the field which has gates leading to the extremely, insanely busy road. Peggy was pulling the horse trailer in and Greenie was opening and closing the gates. Well Bill and Avalon slipped past the trailer and through the gates.

when i saw them my heart started beating so fast and i couldn't seem to get air in my lungs. I had had a dream once about Lady Astor and Lady Bug going out into the road and i couldn't get them back in, i woke up from that with my heart beating and i couldn't get back to sleep for a long time.

i was so scared when i saw them go. i've never been that scared. EVER. not when i thought i was going to be killed in the War Wagon, not when i thought i was going to be murdered in my home, not when i was rapelling down a 60' tower, not even when i thought i was going to drown in my neighbors pool. NEVER.

i grabbed a halter and i ran for the street. Greenie was standing in the road stopping traffic. thank the Potu they hadn't gotten hit. i think i would have killed myself had Avalon died. i would have felt terrible. told myself that if only i hadn't gone to the library and gotten those movies i might have gotten to the barn early enough to get the stalls done and have Avalon and Bill in their stalls before Peggy ever brought that fateful horse trailer through that gate.

fortunately there is nothing of much interest to a horse across the street. just parking lots and appartment buildings. Peggy chased them back.

I didn't stop shaking and my heart didn't stop racing for 15 minutes.

I love you Avalon

Rochwen's Close Scrape With Death

i have been training Avalon to drive, or re-training him (since the amish did drive him when he was young) as you may or may not know. so far it has been going really well, he might have those moments where he takes off, but he always stops for me. so yesterday Peggy said it might be a good idea to start driving him in something other than the metal framed, bycicle wheeled, "crash and burn" cart. we had been hoping to start him off driving in the "war wagon" or marathon vehicle. it has four wheels, it's big, it's heavy and it's fast (depending on the horse that is pulling it that is). the problem before was that Avalon is very sensitive to sound, especially if he can't see it. the war wagon is very loud and squeaky and obviously when a horse is wearing blinders he can't see what is behind him constantly making a loud squeaky noise. but he had been so good that we figured he would be ok and that we would stuff some cotton into his ears for extra measure.

so we harnessed him, hitched and started to drive.

he was fine.

we walked up the hill.

he was fine.

Peggy closed the gate.

i wasn't sure whether i thought this was good or bad.

we walked.

he was fine.

"i think it would be ok to t-r-o-t now" said Peggy

so we trotted.

he was fine....

for a few strides...

then he broke into a canter

no big deal

breathe, he'll come down

nope

guess not

that's the shop...

oh shit, he's not slowing down

i turn him

still not slowing down

in fact getting faster

before my brain shut off

all i could hear was what Peggy had said earlier: "this vehicle will go as fast as that horse runs."

and there was the thought that i had never, NEVER, EVER seen Avalon gallop this fast

the arena suddenly felt very small

the fence was approaching very, very fast

STEER!

Avalon turned

i felt the wagon sliding wildly, there's still a skid mark there, in the grass

oh my god, we're going to flip

then there was the trailer in front of me, the fence on my left and some nicely spaced trees on the right

we're going to crash... maybe Avalon will stop so he doesn't crash... oh my god

Peggy yelling, "steer, baby, steer!"

it occured to me that i had to steer because it wasn't just me that would die if we crashed

i steered

between the trailer and the tree

i don't know how we made it, but we did

breathe

open space again

pull!!

slow down!!

yelling "whoa!"

wagon skidding around turns

leaning all my weight on the reins

getting slower

slower

only cantering, cantering which suddenly seems unnaturaly slow

was i grinning like this the whole time?

slow canter

why am i laughing?

trotting

i didn't die

why do i think that was FUN?

walking

how did i manage to NOT hit anything?

Peggy patting me on the back, telling me "good job," asking "are you alright?"

why am i laughing?

unhitching

feeling disappointment that it didn't go better

sense of joy that i'm alive, that Peggy's alive, that i didn't break the cart, didn't break ANYTHING

walking down to the barn

how can everyone be calmly cleaning tack?

"Holiday" Green Day

say, hey!

hear the sound of the falling rain,

coming down like an armaggedon flame (hey!)

the shame,

the ones who died without a name

hear the dogs howling out of key,

to a hymn called "faith and misery" (hey!)

and bleed,

the company lost the war today

i beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies,

this is the dawning of the rest of our lives

on holiday

hear the drum pounding out of time,

another protestor has crossed the line (hey!)

to find,

the money's on the other side

can i get another amen? (amen!)

here's a flag wrapped around a score of men (hey!)

a gag,

a plastic bag on a monument

i beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies

this is the dawning of the rest of our lies

on holiday

(hey!)

(say, hey!)

"the representative from california has the floor"

Zieg Heil to the president gasman

bombs away is your punishment

pulverize the Eiffel towers

who criticize your government

bang, bang goes the broken glass and

kill all the fags that don't agree

trials by fire, setting fire

is not a way that's meant for me

just 'cause, just 'cause, because we're outlaws yeah!

i beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies

this is the dawning of the rest of our lives

i beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies

this is the dawning of the rest of our lives

this is our lives on holiday

The Tracker

There is this awsome school called Tom Brown's Tracking School. At this school you learn tracking (animals, people are animals too), wilderness survival: building a shelter, finding edible plants, building a fire without matches and trapping (although you do not actually trap an animal, you just learn how to). You will hone your powers of observation and spend lots of time outdoors in the woods.

The reason i'm telling you about this is that i am hoping to go, maybe this fall or next year sometime, and i was thinking that maybe some of you would like to come. It is really expensive, about $800-$900 dollars for a seven day week, but it is worth it (according to my dad who has been there and said it was a life changing experience). If you want more information you can go to: www.trackerschool.com

jeune fille de chevals

...watch the time fly right out the window, tryin' to hold on...

i can't believe how fast time goes. especially summer. my summer "break". i knew this would happen because it always does, going to the barn for 6 hours 5 days a week can make your summer disappear so quickly. don't think i'm complaining though, i LOVE going out to the barn every day! i don't even mind getting hot and sweaty and gross because i'm with horses, and horses are my one and only true love at this point in time. actually Avalon is my one and only true love. he is so sweet and although he gives me trouble and doesn't cooperate when we do start working together it can be beautiful.

the problem with time is that when you are always doing things and running places time goes really fast and you get home at 8pm and say "oh my gosh! where has my day gone! i still want to read the house of the scorpion and write about those boys that were hitting on me at BS camp and take a shower and go swimming..... and what about sleep?? i need to get some sleep!" and by the time you've done all these things it is 2 in the morning and you know that you have to get up at 7:30 and start all over again. and you say to yourself "i really love going to the barn, but i wish i could have a day when i don't have to go anywhere." of course then the weekend rolls around, you stay up late watching a movie and writing and reading and you sleep in the next day. you clean your room... you read... you wonder around the house... you say, "boy, i wish i was going to the barn today, this is really boring." why is it always like this? why can't i just be grateful for how life is?

july 3rd. JULY THIRD!!! do you realize that it is JULY THIRD???? do you realize what this means??? it means that FAIR is in TWENTY days!! ONLY TWENTY days!!!! that is a truly frightening thought! when i think about that i say "omg!!!!! why am i sitting here blogging??? i should be at the barn practicing my reining pattern and my dressage tests and practicing pole bending and working on my transitions from canter to walk so that Avalon doesn't fall on his front end when we do down transitions and OMG we have hardly done any jumping and i think i've only driven him 7 times!!!! ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!" i guess this happens every year. the summer just goes so fast and before long it hits you that "omg, fair is in two days!" and then you run around like a maniac and wonder how you are going to survive, but it always works out in the end. besides, the whole point of fair is to have fun, if you walk out of there with a bunch of blue ribbons that is just a plus.

well... thanks for listening to me go on and on about my problems!